The day my childhood was over

For the past 3 years I’ve been dreaming of going away. I have always known that I probably don’t want to stay in Estonia for my whole life but that was 3 years ago when I decided that I am leaving. I didn’t really know where exactly I wanted to go or what I wanted to study, leave alone I had plans for my future. I was just a kid in a tiny town’s high school, I always wanted more than I already had and that was the case this time, even though now it felt much more meaningful and important.

I have travelled a lot thanks to my parents, I have even gone to Hong Kong and have visited mostly all the tourist destinations in Europe. However, 2 years ago when I went to London on my own, I felt it. I felt like I belonged, like this was the place where I could be myself and do it rightfully, without any but’s and what if’s.

September 2015 – I wanted to be a chef and I wanted to be in London, so I started looking for culinary universities here and since it was not the most common degree, I applied to hospitality course and (just for the sake of filling all the 5 choices) to the UAL for Contemporary Media Cultures. I never thought I would choose this course, it was the option of “why not”.

In March 2016 I came to London again to see Adele’s live performance and this time I knew for sure that London was the place where i wanted to be and grow. The city was big, people were different and I felt cosy. I still can’t explain it why I felt so at home here, I just did.

I decided that I didn’t want to cook for a living, so I was determined to choose the hospitality course. I went to the university, checked out the campus and returned to Estonia being sure what I wanted. I remember myself sitting in front of the computer with a UCAS page opened and getting ready to confirm my firm choice. Then something really weird happened, it struck me that I have to do the art course, I just felt like it was right. I still remember this terror of having to make a choice that would determine my whole life. I knew that I wanted to do the art course but I also knew that hospitality would bring significantly more money, I was torn. It took me 3 days to make a decision and now, sitting here in the UAL halls I know that it was the right one.

My last summer after school was absolutely normal. It was an ultimately basic summer filled with work in the shopping centre and driving lessons. I was so concentrated on moving that I didn’t think about the other side of the coin, I was just irritated that the time went so slowly and wanted to get out of there as soon as I possibly could.

My first day in London was the day when everything went down in pieces. “Your childhood is over” – this thought was pulsing in my head when I stood at Charring Cross absolutely lost and it was probably the scariest moment of my life so far. I realised that I had been looking forward to moving so much for the past 3 years that I never thought that gaining freedom alway comes with losing something and it was hard to cope with losing your family’s constant presence and sweetly annoying care.

People get used to everything, that is how life works.

Now, one and a half month after, I am happy with my life. My life now consists of studying things I don’t completely understand and meeting people I find bizarre and I love every piece of it.

I still have no idea what I want to do in life but it doesn’t really bother me now. I know that at this moment of time I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I have never felt it before and the feeling is ecstatic. I’ll just do what I gotta do and see where it goes. Right?


2 thoughts on “The day my childhood was over

  1. Fantastic post – what a lot of courage you have. And homesickness is hard too. But re making decisions that are irreversible, i’m not sure that’s right. Many people now have several professional skills and use a combination to ensure that life is fulfilling and can let them earn a bit of money too. Keep enjoying London. Nicola


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